CLEAR EYES, FULL HEARTS…
By: Lauren Anderson
So… in a couple of hours, I will be in eye surgery.
I might even be done with it by the time you read this.
Wait, “eye surgery” makes it sound more intense than it is. I’m getting Lasik. You know, like the eye thing that a jillion people get everyday to correct their vision? Yeah. That one.
But still! I’ve had exactly one surgery in my life (knock on wood), and that was getting my tonsils out in the second grade. So you can see why I’m a bit anxious.
Speaking of second grade, that’s also when I got my first pair of glasses. And they were bifocals. YES. I had bifocals in the second grade. They were pink and purple and they had gold ducks on the side, and they pretty much shaped my young fashion aesthetic.
(Who am I kidding? I still dress accordingly.)
But I’ve never been able to see very well. I often sleep in my glasses and give myself headaches. I’ve been doing this my entire life. What will my face look like without the two perpetual indents on the bridge of my nose, or the lines across my cheeks?
I don’t have the faintest idea what it’ll be like to wake up and just SEE. To see what I’m doing in the shower. When I go swimming. My phone, my clock, my hands.
I’ll just have like, 20/20 vision. Just like that.
WHOA. It’s hard to grasp. But the magnitude of not putting in contacts or adjusting the heavy lenses as they slide down the bridge of my nose, is really hitting me. Before my show on Saturday, after I got out of the shower and put in my contacts, I thought, “This might be the very last time I do this in my life.” And it was an odd, kinda bittersweet moment.
Exciting, but bittersweet. Which is very much how I deal with all change. Change is very hard for me in general. So even though this is something I want and am very excited about, I still feel the passing of time, the end of an era, the “letting go” of it all.
I can’t help it. I’m sentimental.
Also, I never thought this would be an option for me. And here we are on the morning of, and I’m FREAKING OUT.
And I know I should be cooler about it than I’m being, but I am having a lot of feelings about it. Like, even though the surgery is quick and painless and they do like, 100 of them a day– STILL.
IT’S MY EYES.
You know, no bigs right? They’re just the WINDOW TO MT SOUL.
And it’s still trusting that some guy (well, doctor) I’ve never met before to zoom in there and cut my eye up with a laser…and… and…it sounds very Bond Villain when I say it like that.
Not to mention that it is quite a steep sum of money for my budget. It still works and I should be able to afford it, but still! It means kind of a lifestyle change for your girl here for the next 24 months.
But getting new glasses and contacts would cost about half of what I’m paying for this surgery anyway, so I know I’ll save money in the long run. Not to mention all the other little stuff, like contact solution and lens wipes etc.
Still. STILL! It’ll all be worth it. I know it. I know I’m making the right choice.
Decisions like this are very particular, and they gnaw at a weird special spot in my psyche. I can’t speak for anyone but me here, but I don’t think I’m alone in hemming and hawing about choices like this. I think a lot of us worry about “If we can afford it” or “If I am worth it.”
I was talking to my friend Andy the other day, and they were like,
“Do it. Do it and never look back. The money is worth it. You are WORTH IT. It’s hard enough being in our bodies. If you can do one small thing to make your body more habitable to yourself then DO IT. If it’s what you want and it will help you feel better in your body, it’s worth it. EVERY TIME.”
This really struck me. It was advice I wasn’t expecting to get from Andy either. They are very budget-conscious, and someone I would call a “planner”. I thought they would think that stuff frivolous, but they said just the opposite.
And it got me thinking…
How many times have I put something aside because I felt like I wasn’t worth the cost? As small as getting a pedicure, to taking that dance class or joining that gym, to as big as the surgery I’m about to do today? The answer is A LOT.
I always put stuff like this off. I trick myself into thinking I can’t afford it, or there’s no time. Or I’ll fail, or any number of reasons to stay OUT of where I want IN.
But that is Deficit-Based thinking. You know, when I trick myself into believing that there is NOT ENOUGH. But that’s a lie! The truth is, there is always enough. I have to shift my priorities to be sure, but there is enough.
For example, If I wanted to go on a trip, but I had no extra vacation funds, I might start squirreling away some cash to eventually get me on that plane. Because trips are fun and I always want more adventure.
That’s a plan I’ve done many a times in my life. But for some reasons when it comes to my body or my self, I think I should just suffer and “deal with what I got”.
Again, deficit-based thinking. Just because something is what it is, doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. I can shape and prioritize based on what I want, and what I think is important.
The trick then, (and this is where it gets “tricky”) is actually thinking “I AM ENOUGH. MY BODY IS WORTH IT. I AM WORTH IT.”
Spending money to see the world, like a trip to Africa or Disney World is ALWAYS going to be worth it. But my body? My health? That’s another story. That’s a new idea for me. And it’s small but it feels revolutionary.
It’s kinda the same way I felt when I joined my gym. Or decided to go to therapy.
All that shit has a cost. And it does take some budgeting to make it all work. And the old me would have never invested this much time/money/energy into the health of my body or mind.
But I was miserable and “Stuck” before. Sure, I was spending money on fun stuff, but it was really just a band-aid. It was stuff for stuff sake. And it’s time I invest in myself.
Because the truth is, I’m gonna be here inside this body for longer than I could ever stay in the Magic Kingdom. I mean, I’m willing to try to stow away in Cinderella’s castle, but I think someone will notice.
I gotta start making sure my “HOME” is as good as it can be. Meaning, I want my body to be a hospitable place. And just like any home that makes me feel cozy and welcome, that takes some time and patience, some elbow grease and some money. But the end result is worth it.
And there is enough, if I prioritize what I really want. And that is the opposite of deficit-thinking.
That’s living in ABUNDANCE. Which is where I want to be.
The health of my body is always a good investment.
And even though, I haven’t had he surgery yet, it’s as if I’m seeing clearly for the first time.
**So, the next time you see me, if I stare deeply at you for too long, don’t worry. It’s probably just me, taking in the full scope of your beauty. And It. Is. GLORIOUS.
Also! If you are itching to spend some much-deserved time on yourself, registration is open for beginner classes at Solcana. It will change your life! I promise.